Winter Child ~ Autumn Soul

Hiver

I was born in January
In the dead of winter
Among the dead trees
When the sun dies early
But the son was born early
Was I meant for another time
When it's warmer?
Perhaps

When you're born early, they worry
They put you in a box
They cover you in wires
And machines beep out signals
The pictures are pulled out years later
I'm told I'm an alien
By my siblings
(Or are they the humans that found me?)
And I believe it. How could I not?

After all, I am not a Winter child
One can see my birth certificate
Or my driver's license
It says it so plainly
My birth occurred in January
How can I twist reality like that?

Because I dream of crisp leaves
Red
   Orange
      Yellow
Crunch crunch crunch
I smell the pumpkin and fire
I know the air is crisp
Not bitter and frigid
Even though I have never known Autumn
I know my soul

Because I am an alien
Because I say so.

Printempts

But Autumn is distant
And I am weary as it is
The long dark of night
Has stolen my fire
Perhaps Spring will do
It is warm
And the flowers bloom
And the days are longer
And the sun is shining
And now I am in love
This should be my home
Where there is love and warmth
But it becomes too much
And I cannot breathe at night

So I must go to the doctor
No box this time, no wires
(But still I am an alien)
Instead, they jab me
A hundred, thousand, million points
Filled with all the things of the world
They jab me in the arm
Does it hurt?
Does it itch?
See here, the grass, the feline
They are the culprits
They make you itch
They stop the breathing

So I'm given magic pills
And I can breathe again
Except I can't, not really
This season is too perfect
Still waters and all that
Spring is the moment just before
The rollercoaster drops

/The barrel drops

/The hammer drops

And soon it will all go wrong

I cannot live in the calm before the storm
I could, I would, I should
It is warm, but not the right kind of warm
It is not crisp, and things rise from the ground
It rains water, but the leaves do not rain
Nothing is as it should be
Though it is very much like something
That is almost-but-not-quite

Ete

Spring was the oasis
But also the mirage
It is both at the same time
Because life is never so simple
And that means summer
Is the desert that follows
When schools are deserted
And yuppies jet off
To desert islands and Mai Tais
Everyone just loves summer
No more teachers no more books
Had me a blast
And the livin is easy

But
Eh...

I don't feel the hype
I'm too busy feeling everything
Feeling nothing
Feeling hot
Feeling sweaty
Feeling tired
Feeling sleepy
Feeling awake
Feeling angry
Feeling amused

It's the sun
It makes the son mad
It's not the heat
It's the humidity
But also the heat
And the UV radiation
Ginger skin inherited
That burns in seconds
But not the ginger hair
Hair's brown, not orange
Brown and orange like
Brown and orange leaves
That fall in a pile

No, still summer, still hot
Still learning, still a student
There's no school in summer
(No class, get it?)
But it's not actually summer
Because poetry is clever like that
Still a student, learning things
Learning about bad grades
Learning about gender
Learning about mental breakdowns
Learning about church bureaucracy
Learning about anxiety
Learning what it's like
To be told you're not good enough

And so you start to teach yourself
Even when your brain's not right
Even when you're mad
Even when you're furious (haha)
You teach yourself that maybe
Maybe god is dead
And maybe gender is fluid
And maybe people can be good
And maybe snow is alright sometimes
But it's still not for you
You're an Autumn kind of girl
(No, but you said son)
(I know what I said)

There's a way out
Out of summer
It just takes time, Little Alien

Automne

Away from the January birth
Away from the siren song of spring
Away from the madness of the sun
Accept Autumn into your heart
Not as your personal
LORD and SAVIOR

No, accept Autumn into your heart
And your head and your body
But how, the throng cries
You were born in January
You are Winter's, no matter what

But the process has already started
You are becoming Autumn
And you don't see things so
Seasonal
Black and white
You see in all the shades
Especially reds and oranges
and yellows and browns
You like those the best

And when you accept it
When you let it really change you
You learn the most important lesson
You will ever learn
You learn to shrug
Because maybe they're right
Maybe you're always Winter's Child
But maybe they're wrong
And it's not that hard

To my dismay, it's also not that easy
I'm ready to Autumn it up
Autumn like the day is long
(But days get shorter in fall so)
(Shut up, it's poetry)
But September is still hot
And I'm still mad
(But not furious)
(Shut up)

One day feels like a year
Is it really Autumn when it still feels like Summer?
I have to be patient
New magic pills that make me Autumn
Magic pills, but not that magic
Not magic enough to work
Overnight
But magic enough to make things
Right
Magic takes two years, I guess
Magic is a lot like real life

Soon there will be leaves
And pumpkin pie
And Halloween
And candy
And turkey
And sweaters

Soon there will be all this
And more
But I must be patient
It was seventy degrees today
That's less than ninety
But it's not there yet

I just have

To be

Patient