For me, it's really a good but solemn day It's the first NCOD I'm what you might call out. And as I've said before, it's really inaccurate to talk about coming out as something that only happens once. No real reason for me to go into that again.
So instead, I thought I'd have myself a proper coming out, since I sorta jumped the gun back in May. How rude of me to come out when it wasn't NCOD!
Perhaps it would be more generous to say this is an update for those of you who care to know how I'm doing. If you follow me on Twitter or Tumblr, you probably don't really need the information, you often get to see it happen in real time. But, to hell with it, sometimes it's good to write something just for the sake of writing it.
So, first and foremost, I am transgender. This is nothing new, or at least I would hope not by now. I'm not overt about it, and I sure as hell don't present in any feminine way. But I'm learning to be okay with that. That will be changing in the near future anyways.
I've been on hormone replacement therapy for a little over three months now. They're doing... something. Some of it is probably a little TMI, but it can basically be summed up as "oh, hey there, puberty again!" The difference is that the mood swings tend to have an effect on my depression and anxiety, so some days aren't pretty. Some days it's hard to get out of bed. Some days I come home and take a three hour nap. One day I left work, came home, and slept almost 16 hours total. I recently changed psych meds and hopefully that'll even me out.
I'm still working on my new (or perhaps "true" would be more accurate?) identity, which I imagine won't be terribly different from my old. I'll need a new name. I've always liked Amy, and my parents were going to name me Barbara, so I'm thinking Barbara Amelia Allen. Has a nice ring to it. I'm still getting used to she pronouns, especially when I go to support group meetings. I still go by my old name and pronouns in my day to day life. It's usually not a problem, but sometimes I get "sir"ed and it weirds me out a little, but in a good way. Like, in my mind I'm more and more of a woman, so I imagine that I will probably update all that stuff sooner rather than later, even if it does mean I'll be opening myself up to a LOT of trouble.
I also came out in my blog post about my queer identity, which is pretty fluid at the moment. I'm mostly interested in women, but I'm not totally opposed to men either, or anyone else anywhere on the spectrum and beyond. Cuties are cuties no matter what. More recently, though, I've also come to realize that I'm probably asexual. It's been difficult to suss out because asexuality exists on a spectrum just like anything else. I'm not completely grossed out by sex, but I don't think it's for me. I like cuddles though, and stuff like that. I'm still very much a romantic. And that stuff may change. I don't know, I've been single for a while. The point, in the end, is that I'm queer as hell, and really pretty happy with that. It's nice to have an identity and a label and a community to be a part of.
As I said, National Coming Out Day is a tricky holiday, and it means different things for different people. The fact of the matter is that I am so incredibly lucky. I have queer friends all over, and a very supportive family. I can come out, and I see now that I need to keep coming out, because I can. I can do so safely. And other people can't come out safely until there are more of us visible. I see it as my duty to be more and more open all the time, to change this world one little fragment at a time.
Happy Queer Christmas, everyone. Enjoy your life and love, wherever you may find it.
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