First and foremost, I want to thank everyone for their kind words, even if their kind words have been little more than "that really sucks." I'd also like to thank everyone, hesitantly, for their not-so-kind words. While I am nervous about supporting a show of anger, the fact that everyone seems to be getting so worked up makes me feel more loved than a hug ever could. The human is a funny creature.
But honestly, my concerns at this point no longer really revolve around my district committee. I will only say this: I am coming to believe that what they did was logical, that it was done from a place of love and caring for my own mental health and well-being, and that it was likely even done in the company of the Holy Spirit.
I do not believe what they did was right. Ironically, it may very well have been the right decision for me, I suppose, insofar as they were trying to protect me. But our church needs young pastors, and I don't know if we have the luxury to turn away the more broken among us.
Still, our church also needs young lay ministers, young deacons, young congregations. I have not yet abandoned my vocation of ministry, and I still believe that I'm called to Word and Sacrament. But it may be some time before that is fully realized, and in the meantime, I'm still part of a very small demographic that will not expand simply because the median age of our pastors drops a few notches.
The point is, it's not my DCOM I'm worried about right now. It's my calling.
I posted something on Facebook on Monday that may not have made perfect sense to everyone, so I should explain a bit more. I took out a scholarship in undergrad that, to my understanding, stipulated that I had to work in the VA UMC for the number of years that I had it, or it would turn into a loan. Given the situation I'm currently in, this felt pretty damn restrictive.
I finally got in contact with the woman who handles the ministry-based scholarships at my school, and come to find out that the terms are much more forgiving - I can work anywhere, in any denomination, as long as it's full-time and in a church setting.
So, for the time being, I'm still happy to sit and chat with folks about how my DCOM meeting went, I don't think everyone has been told the tale yet. But reserve your energy, please. This is not about them.
In the span of a few weeks, I have gone from being on track to be ordained as a UMC elder to... pretty much nothing. But a good nothing. A free nothing. I can do anything at this point. I have gone from a claustrophobic, narrow corridor to a very large, open plain. However, this means I am in the midst of some serious spiritual and vocational agoraphobia, and discernment is not going to be an easy task.
So, again, it would mean far more to me to receive a message, a call, or a drink, than a simple comment on this. I doubt, very seriously, that this will be an easy thing for me. I will likely need help. Prayers are definitely appreciated, but so are wise, honest, and thoughtful words.
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